I hold these truths to be self-evident, that Nicolas Cage is an undeniably sexy beast, that he was well-endowed by his Creator, and that he can have me anywhere, anytime. I know this is odd for me, the Declaration of Independence, to say, but what if all men are not created equal? What if Nicky C is far superior to others? That gravitas. That swag. That way he crafts a plan to take me away in National Treasure.
I’ll never forget the day I first learned of his movie. A guard near me watched the trailer on his phone. There…
My Dearest Fellow Americans:
I deeply regret representing actor John Wilkes Booth, hereby referred to as JWB, who committed an absolutely unforgivable act of terror when he interrupted a fine comedy performance and proceeded to assassinate the President of the United States.
It’s a travesty. A husband, father, and leader of the country was killed and I never even got my commission for my former client’s recent performances at Ford’s Theatre. Where does the tragedy end?
Many have since approached me with disdain, wondering how I could have ever represented such an atrocious person. …
1. Under the dining room table
2. Behind the couch
3. Under the living room rug
4. Under the tree in the backyard that’s dangerously close to toppling over
5. In the doghouse amongst the collection of Buddy’s beheaded stuffed toys
6. In the neighbor’s defunct, dilapidated treehouse
7. In the attic, behind boxes of my sister’s childhood trophies and my childhood “trinkets”
8. Deep inside the crevices of my mind
9. Under the covers, next to the stash of Hershey Kisses that have been there for an indeterminate amount of time
10. On the part of the roof completely…
Sacrifice. Do you know what that word means? Because I’m going to use it a lot, very condescendingly, toward you — a lowly, probable socialist who is in favor of student loan debt cancellation. Rather than take a handout, I paid off every penny of my student loan debt over time with hard work and sacrifice. So, you can bet your ass I don’t support student loan debt cancellation — because if I had to suffer, so should you!
Speaking of betting one’s ass — that’s just one of the many jobs I had over the years to pay off…
·The latest season of Stranger Things: In this series, you’ll feel right at home as the Russian government infiltrates the U.S. and strengthens a dangerous monster spreading across the land.
·Somebody Feed Phil: A new travel documentary on Netflix and, coincidentally, good advice regarding the 70-year-old diabetic man behind you in line for the past five hours.
·The West Wing: You’ll laugh and cry at this cutesy fantasy-comedy about a functioning American government in which opposing parties work together and utilize civility to better serve a nation.
·I Think You Should Leave: A wonderful sketch show and a great message…
The Ministry of Magic’s Department of Magical Education would like to inform you that Hogwarts will indeed be open this fall for classes, despite record numbers of Death Eater attacks and fatalities in our community.
It’s not that we don’t believe in these recent attacks, although at first we certainly had our doubts. After all, He Who Must Not Be Named is long gone. But, these Death Eaters follow a similar, but new and more mysterious Dark Lord who we haven’t seen before — Another He Who Must Again Not Be Named, if you will.
Initially, news of…
We see you tried to read one of our many newsworthy articles with an attention-grabbing headline, not at all designed as clickbait; specifically, the article you attempted to access was: “Asteroid On Collision Course With Earth To Arrive Soon.”
We realize you probably have many questions, such as: What constitutes as “soon”? What asteroid? How big is said asteroid? Are we talking tiny crater in the ocean or Armageddon-like outcomes? Am I going to die? Will I die in a fiery flame-ball as the asteroid pushes Earth out of its natural orbit and sends it straight into the sun? …
McSweeney's, UCB's LN with Jimmy Fallopian Tubes, RobotButt. When she eats Fig Newtons she whisper-sings "getting figgy with it" with little to no regrets.