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Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

Sacrifice. Do you know what that word means? Because I’m going to use it a lot, very condescendingly, toward you — a lowly, probable socialist who is in favor of student loan debt cancellation. Rather than take a handout, I paid off every penny of my student loan debt over time with hard work and sacrifice. So, you can bet your ass I don’t support student loan debt cancellation — because if I had to suffer, so should you!

Speaking of betting one’s ass — that’s just one of the many jobs I had over the years to pay off my student loan debt. That’s right, I took to professional gambling and lost my ass in a bet. Sure, that took a few years off my life after a botched ass-removal/prosthetic replacement surgery. But, that’s neither here nor there. Or anywhere. (RIP, my ass, 1987–2012.) If I had to lose my ass, why shouldn’t you? Me and my assless body slaved away, working anywhere from three to 18 jobs simultaneously. Graveyard shifts, day shifts — all of the shifts. …

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·The latest season of Stranger Things: In this series, you’ll feel right at home as the Russian government infiltrates the U.S. and strengthens a dangerous monster spreading across the land.

·Somebody Feed Phil: A new travel documentary on Netflix and, coincidentally, good advice regarding the 70-year-old diabetic man behind you in line for the past five hours.

·The West Wing: You’ll laugh and cry at this cutesy fantasy-comedy about a functioning American government in which opposing parties work together and utilize civility to better serve a nation.

·I Think You Should Leave: A wonderful sketch show and a great message for the incumbent president. …

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Photo by Jules Marvin Eguilos on Unsplash

Dear Parent/Guardian:

The Ministry of Magic’s Department of Magical Education would like to inform you that Hogwarts will indeed be open this fall for classes, despite record numbers of Death Eater attacks and fatalities in our community.

It’s not that we don’t believe in these recent attacks, although at first we certainly had our doubts. After all, He Who Must Not Be Named is long gone. But, these Death Eaters follow a similar, but new and more mysterious Dark Lord who we haven’t seen before — Another He Who Must Again Not Be Named, if you will.

Initially, news of these growing attacks seemed like a hoax to get people to doubt the leadership of the Ministry. But, we’ve come around to acknowledging some of the facts surrounding this “dire” situation. Please note: our decision to put dire in quotes was a stylistic choice — not a connotation of sarcasm. We “assure” you. …

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If I can do it, so can you!
  1. Have a garage sale. Everyone has extra stuff of value laying around, such as used clothes, appliances, and nautically-themed engraved whiskey glasses — like the ones on your yacht.
  2. Ask for a raise at work. To help persuade your boss, invite her onto your yacht for a special business meeting with a wine pairing of her choice. Joke that if she refuses your request for a raise, she can walk the plank. Employers love honesty and thinly-veiled humorous threats.
  3. Start a blog. Blog about a relatable topic that has mass appeal to a wide audience — like yachting. If you’re lucky, you could earn tens of pennies in ad revenue. With ads from only 10 blogs, you could earn nearly $1.78 in just one year! You know what you can almost buy with $1.78? …

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Image by MasterTux from Pixabay

We see you tried to read one of our many newsworthy articles with an attention-grabbing headline, not at all designed as clickbait; specifically, the article you attempted to access was: “Asteroid On Collision Course With Earth To Arrive Soon.”

We realize you probably have many questions, such as: What constitutes as “soon”? What asteroid? How big is said asteroid? Are we talking tiny crater in the ocean or Armageddon-like outcomes? Am I going to die? Will I die in a fiery flame-ball as the asteroid pushes Earth out of its natural orbit and sends it straight into the sun? …

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Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels

“The Trump administration on Monday announced that it would change the way the Endangered Species Act is applied, significantly weakening the nation’s bedrock conservation law and making it harder to protect wildlife from the multiple threats posed by climate change.” The New York Times

North Atlantic right whale, Boston, MA

“There’s only 300 of us left. This blows.”

Mexican wolf, Socorro, NM

“C’mon. We all know why the Trump administration is targeting my kind of wolf.”

Mount Graham red squirrel, Phoenix, AZ

“This is infurryiating. And, no, I am not related to Lindsey, despite his squirrel tendency to protect nuts.”

Green sea turtle, Hutchinson Island…

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Photo by: Stefan Kellner on Creative Commons

Then: You played ball with your Tamagotchi more than you fed or disciplined it.

Now: You’re known as the “cool uncle.”

Then: You named your Tamagotchi after a dead pet, hoping to preserve its memory.

Now: You’re holding out hope that Hillary will make a 2020 comeback.

Then: You had difficulty keeping up with your Tamagotchi’s feeding schedule.

Now: You’ve accidentally left your kid at the mall at least once, but definitely twice.

Then: Despite complaints from your teacher, you wore your Tamagotchi to school on your belt loop so the world would know of your OG status.

Now: You yell on the phone, haggling real estate deals, while you’re in line ordering coffee. …

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Ballot entering Rick Scott’s shoebox so it won’t interfere with election results

So, the Democrats think they can win the Florida Senate race just by having the most votes? I think not. It’s time for these thugs, and possibly a majority of Floridian voters, to step aside.

I already won; I made a speech and everything. But, this isn’t about me. It’s about America, democracy, ethics, me, my pride, and our veterans.

Honestly, this is not about the fact that I claimed victory prematurely in a race that was tighter than the grip that my remaining hair has on my head.

It’s not about the fact that after I claimed victory my opponent said there’d be a state-mandated recount due to low margins and I replied by calling him “desperate.” …


Steph Westendorf

McSweeney's, UCB's LN with Jimmy Fallopian Tubes, RobotButt. When she eats Fig Newtons she whisper-sings "getting figgy with it" with little to no regrets.

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