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The fuck is a stock?
  • Sigh heavily and then say, with exhaustion, “Wall Street, am I right?”
  • Shake your head, as if you’ve just found out your best friend stole your boyfriend, yet again. Then, let out a gravely disappointed: “Wow.”
  • Take a gamble (pun intended???). Google “someone please explain the GameStop thing.” Pick the first opinion on the matter you see that’s conveyed in complete sentences with acceptable punctuation. Echo that opinion. If the opinion is contradicted, immediately roll your eyes and make it known that you were “just being satirical.”
  • Complete the following Mad Libs template to formulate an original opinion. “Incredible! Reddit…

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Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

Sacrifice. Do you know what that word means? Because I’m going to use it a lot, very condescendingly, toward you — a lowly, probable socialist who is in favor of student loan debt cancellation. Rather than take a handout, I paid off every penny of my student loan debt over time with hard work and sacrifice. So, you can bet your ass I don’t support student loan debt cancellation — because if I had to suffer, so should you!

Speaking of betting one’s ass — that’s just one of the many jobs I had over the years to pay off…

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·The latest season of Stranger Things: In this series, you’ll feel right at home as the Russian government infiltrates the U.S. and strengthens a dangerous monster spreading across the land.

·Somebody Feed Phil: A new travel documentary on Netflix and, coincidentally, good advice regarding the 70-year-old diabetic man behind you in line for the past five hours.

·The West Wing: You’ll laugh and cry at this cutesy fantasy-comedy about a functioning American government in which opposing parties work together and utilize civility to better serve a nation.

·I Think You Should Leave: A wonderful sketch show and a great message…

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Photo by Jules Marvin Eguilos on Unsplash

Dear Parent/Guardian:

The Ministry of Magic’s Department of Magical Education would like to inform you that Hogwarts will indeed be open this fall for classes, despite record numbers of Death Eater attacks and fatalities in our community.

It’s not that we don’t believe in these recent attacks, although at first we certainly had our doubts. After all, He Who Must Not Be Named is long gone. But, these Death Eaters follow a similar, but new and more mysterious Dark Lord who we haven’t seen before — Another He Who Must Again Not Be Named, if you will.

Initially, news of…

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If I can do it, so can you!
  1. Have a garage sale. Everyone has extra stuff of value laying around, such as used clothes, appliances, and nautically-themed engraved whiskey glasses — like the ones on your yacht.
  2. Ask for a raise at work. To help persuade your boss, invite her onto your yacht for a special business meeting with a wine pairing of her choice. Joke that if she refuses your request for a raise, she can walk the plank. Employers love honesty and thinly-veiled humorous threats.
  3. Start a blog. Blog about a relatable topic that has mass appeal to a wide audience — like yachting. If you’re…

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Image by MasterTux from Pixabay

We see you tried to read one of our many newsworthy articles with an attention-grabbing headline, not at all designed as clickbait; specifically, the article you attempted to access was: “Asteroid On Collision Course With Earth To Arrive Soon.”

We realize you probably have many questions, such as: What constitutes as “soon”? What asteroid? How big is said asteroid? Are we talking tiny crater in the ocean or Armageddon-like outcomes? Am I going to die? Will I die in a fiery flame-ball as the asteroid pushes Earth out of its natural orbit and sends it straight into the sun? …

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Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels

“The Trump administration on Monday announced that it would change the way the Endangered Species Act is applied, significantly weakening the nation’s bedrock conservation law and making it harder to protect wildlife from the multiple threats posed by climate change.” The New York Times

North Atlantic right whale, Boston, MA

“There’s only 300 of us left. This blows.”

Mexican wolf, Socorro, NM

“C’mon. We all know why the Trump administration is targeting my kind of wolf.”

Mount Graham red squirrel, Phoenix, AZ

“This is infurryiating. And, no, I am not related to Lindsey, despite his squirrel tendency to protect nuts.”

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Photo by: Stefan Kellner on Creative Commons

Then: You played ball with your Tamagotchi more than you fed or disciplined it.

Now: You’re known as the “cool uncle.”

Then: You named your Tamagotchi after a dead pet, hoping to preserve its memory.

Now: You’re holding out hope that Hillary will make a 2020 comeback.

Then: You had difficulty keeping up with your Tamagotchi’s feeding schedule.

Now: You’ve accidentally left your kid at the mall at least once, but definitely twice.

Then: Despite complaints from your teacher, you wore your Tamagotchi to school on your belt loop so the world would know of your OG status.

Now: You…

Steph Westendorf

McSweeney's, UCB's LN with Jimmy Fallopian Tubes, RobotButt. When she eats Fig Newtons she whisper-sings "getting figgy with it" with little to no regrets.

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